Worship should not be rote. It shouldn’t be a performance, and it shouldn’t be something I do just for the sake of doing. So, when words appear on the screen in front of me that I struggle with, that I can’t say with all honesty, that I don’t necessarily believe or agree with, then I sometimes just shut up. Recently, that was the case with the lyrics from “Do It Again” by Elevation Worship. The first lines say,
“Walking around these walls, I thought by now they’d fall. But You have never failed me yet. Waiting for change to come, knowing the battles won, For You have never failed me yet.”
I actually really like this song. So, like I have so many other times, I stood up with the rest of the congregation. I opened my mouth, and I started to sing, right on cue. But then, I got to that line, and I stopped because while my mouth was trying to sing the lyrics, my heart was shouting, “That’s NOT true!”
You see, God has failed me.
I know that’s not a very Christian thing to say. It may even make you feel uncomfortable to read. But I don’t like mincing words. I don’t like playing games, and I don’t like making excuses.
I began praying for my boys before they were born. I prayed for them throughout their entire lives. I prayed for them to accept Christ into their hearts as Lord and Savior. I prayed for their safety, their health, their future careers, and future spouses. I prayed for peace and joy in our home. And when problems began to arise, I prayed for resolution, for answers, for healing.
God answered some of those prayers in the affirmative, but He said “no” to others. Some were left unanswered altogether because of Brandon’s death.
The Southern, Christian, “good girl” in me wants to dance around the topic. I want to say, “God has never failed me yet.” But, let’s be honest, since failure is defined as “the omission of expected or required action,” it sure does seem like God has failed me this time.
After all, my worst nightmare became a reality. The very thing I dreaded and feared the most in this world happened, despite my anguished prayers and pleas. God took my son—or if you prefer, He allowed my son to die. Either way I look at it, the result is the same. My son is dead. And he didn’t just die in some random car accident, he died because he was in a fit of rage. He died because his heart and his mind were broken. And he didn’t just die on the way home from school or work. He died while running away from home after a huge altercation.
I have always been a control freak, and for years I have battled to have peace with certain situations in my life, always afraid that something terrible would happen, always trying to keep a reign on circumstances that were beyond my control. But in 2018, when I took a job outside the home, when I began to move forward with my life beyond motherhood, I finally felt as if I had done all that I could do. I finally, in pure exhaustion thought, “I’ll let God take care of it,” and when I finally gave up and gave in and left it in God’s hands, my son never came home.
So, one Sunday not so long ago, I quit singing. Instead I listened, and I thought.
I thought about those words, “For He has never failed me yet.” I thought about how I feel, and I asked myself, “Does God really promise not to fail us?”
Because, if He has. Then, I can’t believe Him anymore, because it’s obvious, to me at least, that He failed me.
But is that really what God says? Is that really what God means?
God said no to things that seemed good to me, things that would have been good to me, but does that mean that He is not faithful? Does that mean that He has failed?
Before the crucifixion Jesus prayed, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” (Luke 22:42) Yet, God allowed Jesus to die. In fact, He did more than allow Him. It was, after all, God’s plan. It was His will for Jesus to die.
Did God fail His own son because He said “no”? Do I fail my own children every time I tell them they can’t do something, even if it’s something they want?
I don’t think God’s promises are meant to mislead us into believing that He will give us whatever we want. God is faithful, but His faithfulness is not to our every human whim. God’s faithfulness is to Himself. He is, after all, God. How could He be anything but faithful to Himself?
That means that unlike humans, God will be true to His own nature above all things. He will do what He deems best, what He alone knows is good and true and right, no matter what I think about it, no matter what anyone thinks about it. Yes, that means that sometimes His action or inaction will appear to be a failure to me personally, but it doesn’t mean that He is a failure or that He is any less faithful than He has always been.
In Isaiah 55:8 we read, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
Over a year past Brandon’s death, it’s still hard to shake the feeling that God failed me. It’s still a struggle, but I keep reminding myself that there is only one Person in the position of God, and it’s not me.
So, if you’re like me, suffering from a loss that is hard to shake, you may be asking this question too.
What do you do when God fails you?
You sit through lyrics that are too hard to lip, but you also continue to place your trust in a God Who you won’t always understand. You question the whys and the why nots, but you find comfort in the God who quiets your soul. You talk (or write) or cry about your struggles, but you find solace in the love of a God who never leaves. You think about your loss, but you remain thankful for what you have.
And, maybe, just maybe, you, like me, can remember the lyrics of another hymn, another song about faithfulness, another song which today may be easier to sing.
“Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be…
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!”
How have you remained confident of God’s faithfulness, even when it feels like He failed you?