A little girl was at church listening intently as her mother talked to another woman. As the two chatted, it became more and more obvious that the girl was staring. Finally, the mother said, “Suzy, please stop staring at Mrs. Janice like that. You are being very rude!” Breaking her trance, Suzy looked up at her mom and said very loudly, “I’m sorry, Mom, but she doesn’t have two faces after all!”
If you aren’t sure whether your tongue needs to be tamed, just listen to your children. They tend to mimic everything they hear.
James 3:6 says, “And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.”
Our tongues can ignite a wildfire of pain and trouble. In fact, there is some research that indicates that words actually change the physical make-up of our brain’s genetic materials. Imagine that! A positive word might increase our (or someone else’s) cognitive function while a negative word might disrupt it.
This isn’t new. The Bible is full of verses that warn us that words are powerful weapons. Why then do we spend so little time thinking before we speak? I think it’s because our attention is usually directed inward.
Instead of listening to what someone else is saying, we are formulating our response.
Instead of guarding our words, we are more concerned with expressing ourselves.
Instead of worrying about how our words will be received, we are more intent on being right.
Bob Goff, in Everybody, Always, wrote, “I’ve concluded we can be correct and not right…I do this most often when I have the right words and the wrong heart.”
“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.” Proverbs 31:26
Too often we let words spray as easily from our lips as water from a hose on a hot summer day. The current generation may not know what that’s like, but many of us have fond memories of the backyard water hose.
Few things were better than getting Mom’s OK to turn on the water and start spraying each other down. A cool blast was just the cure to the sticky humid heat of a July afternoon, as long as we gave the water time to cool down. If we didn’t, if we just picked up that hose and turned on that water, we would find that it was anything except cool and refreshing. In fact, it could actually be quite hot, at best lukewarm, definitely not pleasant.
Our words are the same. They can be fresh and invigorating, or they can be stale or heated. They can bring refreshment, or they can bring pain. They can be a cause of celebration, or they can be a cause of aggravation. The choice is ultimately ours.
I knew a woman once who was prone to lose her temper. She often excused herself by saying, “That’s just how I am.” I think we all do that at times. We lose our tops, blow off steam, tell everyone “like it is,” and then justify it.
That’s just my personality.
I have strong opinions.
I had a bad day.
If I don’t yell, no one hears me.
I like to argue; it’s nothing personal.
Here’s the truth. Words can hurt, and it’s our responsibility to use them with caution. When we don’t, it’s no one else’s fault except our own.
Of course, there are times that we have to say things that are painful. No one likes to hear criticism. No one likes to get bad news, but even when the message is hard to hear, we can deliver it with grace and love. The key is taking the time to think before we speak, making a moment to pause but before we hit the play button on our mouths, caring enough to cautiously communicate. Exactly how do we do that?
Like most things we want to do well, we have to practice.
“Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4
First, we have to be intentional. We need to make a commitment to train ourselves to think before we speak—especially when emotions are running high or when we have to deliver a difficult message. If we don’t have any other reason to take this seriously, consider Mathew 12:36 which says, “And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak.”
Second, we need to pray. We need to ask God to help us control our tongues. Philippians 4:13 says, “For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” No matter what our temperament, no matter how bad the circumstance, with Christ living in and through us, we can learn to control our tongues .
Third, we must fill our hearts and lives with God’s Word. Since what is on our mind is what most easily comes out of our mouths, we need to give ourselves constant doses of truth. Psalm 119:11 reminds us to hide God’s Word in our hearts in order to not sin against Him.
Again, these aren’t new concepts, and in theory, they aren’t particularly hard to do. Yet, it’s obvious from the many Proverbs addressing the issue that people have had an issue with words for as long as we have been talking. It goes back to training ourselves in godliness. Training takes effort. If you are up to the challenge, here are a few ways to practice taming your tongue.
P-A-U-S-E
P-pause before you respond. Don’t just jump in with a response the second your partner stops talking. Let his/her words settle. Ponder on them a minute.
A-affirm what the other person just said. “I want to make sure I understand. You believe…” or “What I heard you say was…”
U-understand before you respond. If you don’t understand what was just said, ask for clarification.
S-speak slowly. Don’t be in such a rush to tell your story or give your opinion. Speaking slowly helps you speak more carefully and allows the other person time to digest what you are saying.
E-encourage. Encouragement is in short supply these days. Attempting to include some form of encouragement in every conversation just helps make the world a nicer place.
“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” Proverbs 21:23
The “Bad Words” Jar
Put a new slant on an old trick. Keep a jar handy. Every time you catch yourself speaking in a way that you know would be displeasing to the Lord, make yourself put in a dollar. At the end of the month, give the money to charity or to the person you feel you may have injured most by your words. Remember, no amount of money can make up for hurtful words; so add a sincere apology too. Also consider that what we say is as much about our attitude as it is the actual words that come out of our mouths, so watch your tone and facial expressions too.
A Study of Words
The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about words. Read through the book and write down every verse that applies to tongue management. Consider memorizing one of the verses each week. Write particularly meaningful ones on index cards and keep them in areas where they will prove as helpful reminders.
Consider the Reason
If you find yourself failing often, consider the circumstances. What is happening when you usually lose your temper? Who are you with when you are tempted to gossip? What is going on in your life when you find yourself cursing? Write down the details of each episode in order to find the pattern. Then pray about what you can do to remove yourself from that circumstance or learn how to control your reactions better.
For example, when the boys were young, God convicted me that I was being unnecessarily mean to my boys—yelling at them too often, being too quick to discipline, being too harsh. When I carefully considered the situation, I realized that most often, this was a result of us trying to rush out of the house to some event. I was crumbling under the stress of getting four young boys dressed, ready and to a certain place by a certain time. So, I cut back on our outside-of-the-home activities for a while. By paring our schedule down, I was able to relax a little more and plan better for those fewer times when we had to be somewhere.
Pick a Word
It has become fashionable to pick a word for the year, something to inspire or motivate you. Some people are even creating jewelry with the word they choose. Why not try picking a word of the week or a word of the day to help you remember to use your words wisely. For example, if you choose the word “encourage,” challenge yourself to see how many ways you can encourage people this week. If you choose the word “helpful,” you can try to find five ways to be helpful today.
Author Paul David Tripp wrote, “Words fill the mundane moments of our lives. That’s why they are profoundly important.”
Let’s remember that. Let’s not take our tongues for granted. Let’s make a conscious decision to use our words wisely.